Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

I wish I had come across this resource 10-20 years ago! It is clear, concise, straightforward, helpful, healing, insightful, empowering and so much more. It is the missing piece that I have been longing for after years of counseling, self-help books, and an absolutely poor marriage complete with negative effects on the children. Having new knowledge, a new way to process information and new tools of engagement has been transformative for me - my physical and mental health and my own measure of happiness to name but a few. And that’s the point, right? For the first time in a very long time, i am in control of myself, including being a happy, whole, autonomous person moving in a positive direction despite how any other person in my life may act. I have a new career, a long-term plan for myself. Where I used to feel selfish for taking care of myself, I now prioritize it without apology. Having grown up under what I now recognize as a parent with some serious narcissistic behaviors, I was literally blind to manipulation. I simply didn't know any better. On pages 114-115, the author states that learning this knowledge means you can never unlearn it: "You are stepping into a maturing process in yourself that eventually becomes irreversible. When out understanding and our skills in the world increase and mature, we rarely, if ever, go back to being less aware or less skilled or wanting less of the good things that have come into our lives." I see things in people that I hadn't been aware of before, let along know how to respond, protect myself, or move forward. This world is rife with manipulation on multiple levels! I highly recommend the book for everyone whether or not they are dealing with an active instance of being invoiced with a BP or Nar. It should be required reading for all somewhere in high school. Oh how different my life may have been if I had known any of this in my earlier years!

I don't know where to start. The book is dead on. It's humbling and comforting and empowering. Humbling to realize the part I play--and boggling that I couldn't see it on my own. Comforting to understand certain traits in myself that baffled me. And ultimately, empowering to know that little by little I can create a complete life--hopefully one with less fatigue, fewer migraines, less anaphylactic shock, and less muscle pain. Sound like you? ;-) I've mostly been living in the cut-off part of the caretaker spectrum (avoidance), where I knew I had vulnerabilities, but I didn't understand them. I knew I possessed traits that made me excel professionally (in a helping profession) but did not serve me well personally. I could go on, but I think I'd write a book. There are a lot of good books out there to supplement this one. One possibility might be Feeling Good by David Burns, MD. It's basically on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). There's a workbook, too, that's well reviewed, although I haven't bought it (I kind of made my own workbook). For example, right now, even in the mostly cut-off caretaker phase, I have some people trying to suck the life out of me. From a CBT standpoint, I try to switch my internal response from a flight or flight involving the f-bomb (which I don't tell them, hence the migraines) to: "This moment is a gift. Think of the part I played--how I wanted to help them when I first met them, thinking that'd be adequate to alleviate their anxiety. Yeah, stop doing that when I meet people. When I have the urge to help, remember this crazy-making moment. Instead, evaluate the situation and myself first." Joseph Shannon, PhD, whose seminars I've taken through the Institute for Brain Potential (and who led me to realize that borderline personality disorder (BPD) probably best described a parent, and I knew that understanding that parent would lead to self-awareness) advises that you hold strict, unwavering boundaries when you first meet someone with BPD. Dr. Fjelstad's book mostly addresses how to handle things once they're in your life. It's such a huge issue, that many sources are probably best. Dr. Fjelstad's book is at the top for me. Thank you, Dr. Fjelstad! May God bless you and yours.

For those unfortunate enough to become 'entangled' in a BPD relationship this book provides some solace. The book does not beat about the bush and accurately describes how confounding the whole experience can be. Towards the end it delivers practical steps on how to respond to your BPD person, set boundaries on what behavior you are going to tolerate and yes, get on with your life.

I found this book to be incredibly helpful. I read this on kindle but plan to buy a hardcopy. There are many areas of the book that i will have to revisit, re-read and re-absorb. This book is a guide to healing and about reclaiming one’s life. A must read for anyone who is in a close relationship with w bp/np.

What a great book. Easy to read, simple in explanation YET packs the punch that is needed to see the reality of the situation one can become embroiled in and how to leave or deal with it to ensure you are devoid of guilt and NOT drained to the point of exhaustion. It has helped me with my mother and the man I was involved with. I chose to leave as the physical repercussions along with mental and emotional pain was quite literally killing me. Due to in part, being familiar with these thoughts/feelings/reactions since a child-I was in a way- uncomfortably used/resigned to it. I actually had to put the book down 3 days into it as the truth of the whole situation made me feel sick to the stomach. I'm glad I have now finished it because it has enabled me to make the decision that was desperately needed without blaming anyone or thing. To actually feel compassion for the individual but NOT responsible for or to them. I thank the author from the bottom of my heart as I feel absolutely able to go on with life (excitedly TBH) free of guilt and awake to the mechanisms of these individuals. THIS BOOK IS WORTH it's weight in GOLD!

This book helps the caretaker to understand what they are thinking and doing wrong. It further provides examples of how one gets away from the care taking role

Wow !, where do I begin. The truths in this book are totally shocking, but that’s what we need to finally see & accept the truth of the matter. It felt like the book was written just for me & my emotionally abusive relationship. It explains the abuse in an excellent way, in a way that’s easier to grasp the severity of every day interactions. Be prepared for a wave of what can only be felt & seem as over emotional feelings & emotions, but this by far not a negative thing, those deep seated emotions that have suppressed for so long need to come out in order for you to recognise, accept & help you try & move forward to finally & basically “love yourself & stand up for yourself”. Now I totally stand up for myself towards the gaslighting perpetrator-(the perpetrators traits are far to long to list here)-the most important step is to recognise it, get help & support & try your best tp start baby steps of “looking after you, loving you” as this hasn’t been the case for so long. I know, again I KNOW that I am I good, caring & loving person, which is what we need more of in the world, these positive traits of mine have been trampled on from a very great height. I have no job, n money & I don’t go out of the house, but let me tell you this-I am fully aware now of what’s been going on, out of love can I help & change the person who I adored to respect & love me like I did him, like a healthy loving partner would do ?, not in a million bloody years. They have to want to change themselves, & nothing will ever change until they recognise their behaviour’s & seek help, which will not happen as they in complete denial & constantly twist it back on to you, basically I’m a nervous wreck, I don’t work-(you no need to work, I will look after you)-recognise this bit ?. But will I eventually get back to my old self, my happy self, whose assertive & likes herself-(the loving myself will come) , like is a fantastic start. So my answer is “HELL YEAH”‼️. P-s if your relationship is physically abuse then I would strongly seek advice online with a professional, standing up for yourself when you endure physical abuse could be very dangerous for & your children if you have any, please seek professional help in secret & help you come up with a safe action plan. Do it for you, you deserve it. A massive heartfelt good luck, you will get there xxx

Je n’ai pas grand chose à rajouter sur certains commentaires que j’ai lu (Olympe en particulier qui rejoint tout à fait ma perception but others in English too). J’aurais voulu trouver ce livre bien avant. Une vrai révélation, offrant à la fois une meilleure compréhension et compassion sans jugement sur la personne atteinte de NPD/BPD (il y a tellement de livres stigmatisants et comme lu dans un long commentaire le terme ‘pervers narcissiste’ est porteur de confusion), mais surtout un éclairage important sur le ‘caretaker’, ses propres failles et points communs avec la personne atteinte du trouble de personnalité. Chacun aura sa propre et unique expérience, mais personnellement, même si le futur reste incertain, ce livre m’a permit de me remettre en cause, de faire face à quelques dures réalités de ma propre attitude.