A Grief Observed

My wife passed away at the young age of 38 after a brutal battle with leukemia. As a Christian and father of 4 children under the age of 13, I found this book to be incredible at putting to words the intense pain I am feeling inside. The questions, the doubts, the hurt, the uncomfortable interactions with well-meaning people, navigating our children’s feelings… all of it, incredibly articulated by one of the Christian literary greats. As you attempt to navigate grief of this magnitude, people often say things like “I can’t imagine what you’re going through”. When it feels like nobody really understands, this book reminds you that you’re not alone and even someone as close to God and highly regarded as C.S. Lewis wrestles with the same questions, doubts, anger, and profound pain that you are. It’s normal, it’s expected, and frankly, it’s needed. If you’re one of those people trying to figure out what to say, or to understand the thoughts and feelings a Christian walking through grief is enduring, C.S. Lewis articulates it in a way no one else can. It will gift you incredible insight into the jumbled mess of feelings and pain that grief leaves in its wake. This is one of those books that I will purchase over and over to give to people walking through the the pain of losing someone they love. This book is short, but the value is incredibly high. I recommend this book be read in the earliest stages of grief. It is best used to navigate the swirling emotions and questions of why, what now, and how. Please share this book with your hurting friends and family. It will make a huge difference in their lives.

Love this book as a widower, it really moved me and validated my reactions and doubt.

Read through the very slender A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis last night. The book records a brief history of time after the death of C. S. Lewis' wife from cancer. It distinguishes between records and maps of griefs (how can one map grief?), and shines a light on faith and God during pain and suffering. It's a very honest, bare-boned look at ourselves as people and as Christians. The book begins with the death, and Lewis' fear that he is dreaming up an image of his wife, and that the representation is far from the reality. Only, the reality is no longer in existence. Lewis records his numerous discomforts and fears: running into people who don't know what to say, or say what they cannot know (She is with God; She feels no pain), or say the wrong thing (There is no God); addressing his sons only to find that they are ashamed when Lewis mentions their dead mother; fearing where his wife is and what state she is in; dreading the midnight hours. There is one beautiful analogy that he makes between the loss of H. and salt. Grief or anxiety is not skirted because he avoids the cafes or parks they visited together. Her absence is like the absence of salt. If there were no more salt on earth, no more salt at all in any food, one would realize it, one would taste it not only in particular foods, but in every food at every meal. Next, Lewis contemplates the divine. Is God a Cosmic Sadist, or is He wholly good? There are many, many good analogies in here that helped me understand Lewis' process and where he stood in the beginning and at the end. Does God give only to take away out of sadistic pleasure? Lewis claims that God sees that one part of life (Lewis' marriage) comes to fruit and perfection, and moves Christians along to other parts of life in order that through suffering (grief and death), new sanctification is realized. He is not a sadist cutting into the flesh of believers, but rather a skilled surgeon who must continue with all of the incisions in order that the surgery be completed. Otherwise, to finish midway and let off because of the patient's complaints would mean something worse. Nothing is arbitrary, nothing is in vain. And if we see God as dark, wicked, mean, cruel, it is only because we do not see at all, according to Lewis. His great fear is, after all, not that there is no God, but that God is cruel and not what Lewis had understood him to be through Scripture and life. It's interesting because he gives a description of God's response to human grief: silence. He comes to realize that his own panic and terror caused him to run and slam the door in his own face. It's difficult to save a terrified drowning man, he will pull you down. The prayers are screams and it's impossible to hear anything but ourselves. He writes that he realized later that God chooses the right time to give comfort or answers. He also says that "God is the great Iconoclast," who constantly smashes our erroneous images of Himself. We are image makers, we are constantly categorizing and creating representations of things and beings we cannot see (alive, dead, and divine). We want the images, we are afraid to forget. But what we need is the real thing. We want our loved ones back, pictures don't suffice. And, of greater importance, we don't want something that is like Christ, or something like his life, work, death, and resurrection; we need the real thing. (Is it really true that Lewis prayed for the dead? Did he continue after his wife passed?) The last section is devoted mostly to H., his wife, who is really referred to as H. Lewis is highly cognizant of the triptych he creates. He begins with himself, then looks to God, the Creator, and then appreciates his wife, the created, the gift. He closes the record by stating that it will be a part of his life forever, but that H. did say, not to him, but to the chaplain, I am at peace with God.

Originally published under a pseudonym, this short book is a thoroughly reasoned but heart-felt analyzation of grief from the private writing journal of intellectual author and academia giant, C.S. Lewis. The object of his grief is the love of his life, his rare intellectual equal and friend whom he met later in life and fell deeply in love with, making her his wife. Born Atheist, C.S. Lewis became a committed Christian, but spent part of his journalized pages in honest reflection of his anger at God and acknowledgement of fragile faith while in the throes of traumatic, life-altering grief. He boldly wonders and writes the thoughts and words most familiarly held at some point in the minds of others bereaved over their most beloved and cherished. From page 23: "Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief. Apparently the faith - I thought it faith - which enables me to pray for the other dead has seemed strong only because I have never really cared, not desperately, whether they existed or not. Yet I thought I did." After other thoughts about risks and beliefs, this is said, "And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing will shake a man - or at any rate a man like me - out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover himself." On page 25, C.S. sees the human side of grieving when others try to console him with spiritual avenues of comfort: "Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand." The social leprosy of bereavement is also mentioned on a couple of pages, including this: "Perhaps the bereaved ought to be isolated in special settlements like lepers." At the end, C.S. Lewis seems to reconcile himself to a conclusion about grieving: "For, as I have discovered, passionate grief does not link us with the dead but cuts us off from them," as he tries to go about cherishing his beloved's every memory with gladness, a smile and a laugh. Not for long, however, is this a workable plan as he writes the next day's journal entry more in line with the natural phases of grief: "An admirable programme. Unfortunately it can't be carried out. tonight al the hells of young grief have opened again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare unreality, the wallowed-in tears. For in grief nothing `stays put.' One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?" As do we all of bereavement ask ourselves when finding that as much as we try clawing our way up the spiral, we suddenly lose our grasp, totally at the mercy of our humanness and that quality that never dies - love.

Two days after my Dad passed, I bought A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. I needed something. I could not focus on reading fiction. I needed to read something by someone who I knew whose words would be a comfort. C.S. Lewis wrote these essays after the death of his wife. These are what he called, “mad midnight moments.” For those who are going through a loss, laying down to sleep is the worst. His path through grief is healthy and relatable. However, I lost my dad, not my husband, so this is a book I would recommend to someone who is grieving over a spouse or partner. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t quotes that spoke to me and I am grateful for the insight so I can be there for my mother and listen to her as she processes her grief. There are so many quotes. This isn’t really a review. Just a sharing of quotes that might help someone else. “Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand.” A GRIEF OBSERVED THIS. In fact, if you haven’t experienced a loss, still read this book. I could write so many things now to NOT say to people when going through their grief….sorry I am still weaving in and out of the angry stage. But in all seriousness, never say “this is all a part of God’s plan.” Never, ever, EVER. This is like tearing open a wound in someone’s heart. It creates even more anger than before. It is not helpful or comforting. Don’t try to point out the “positives.” I will never see my dad again on this Earth. I have to go the rest of my life without another hug or him calling me, “Joop” because his answering machine couldn’t pronounce my last name. I will never see play with my sons or nephews again and the hole that is in my heart will never close. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me.” I never contemplated a life without my dad. I am still in denial. He could walk in the door any minute. I still feel alone even though I am surrounded by an amazing support system. How did I get blessed with the most amazing family? My sisters, my mom, and I are already close but now we cling to each other and we have all been there for each other. I am a fixer. I hate when those I love around me are hurting. I am trying to be a better listener because I am not the only one grieving. There is no fixing loss. The hurt and pain will hit in waves but it will never actually cease. As I said above, I hope this can help someone else. There are moments where I feel like I am drowning. But reading these words validated my feelings. They helped and could help you.

Lewis' own experience of losing Joy Davidman Gresham to cancer strikes a deep chord with those who have the misfortune of losing someone so close and dear. His raw reflection on his loss brings to the reader a rare and beautiful glimpse of honest pain and questions that death and suffering raise. His willingness to explore his own heart and mind, combined with his learned eloquence and clarity of thought creates a powerful expression of the pain and confusion that death brings into this world. Lewis is quite aware of the norms that theology teaches; yet he wrestles to reconcile these norms with his experience. He doesn't jettison theological truths, yet these doctrines cannot be adequately understood apart from real life experience that brings a depth and breadth to cold orthodoxy. Through the agony of loss, Lewis is not afraid to ask hard questions and in fact, these difficult life experiences reveal a more honest assessment of how deeply one truly believes these doctrines: "And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high; until you find that you are playing not for counters of for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man--or at any rate a man lie me--out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs.... Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself." I believe ministry is in many respects both an art and a science. It is a science in that we have Scriptures that reveal to us truths and norms which are not simply matters of opinion but are universally true whether believed or not. On the other hand, the ability for these truths to point to life and light is shaped by how we embody these truths existentially. Our experience of these truths enable us to artfully present doctrine in a way that people can digest so that it can strength them and not cause them to convulse. Lewis models the importance of wrestling with life and asking difficult questions. He takes the time to ask difficult existential questions, instead of simply turning to the easier "right answers". Yet, when it comes to death and suffering, the "right answers" can lead those who suffer in such ways away from the One who is able to provide unique and penetrating comfort.

I purchased this book for my mom, who has been dealing with a lot of grief since the loss of her husband of 20 something years in late 2024. However, I decided to read it first before handing it over. I wasn't impressed at all with the forward by Madeleine L'Engle. Looking beyond the handful of glaring grammatical errors, her writing dismisses much of Lewis' grieving and compares it to her own loss. I feel for Ms. L'Engle for losing her husband of 4+ decades, but I felt that her commentary was unnecessary and self-serving. The self-proclaimed Christian also tries to tell the viewer that none of us know what happens after death, and relents the Christian Church as a whole for not changing its views on Heaven or Hell (Yes, Ms. L'Engle, I capitalized them, unlike you), among other things. Sorry sister, God's word doesn't change just because humans do. All in all, this put a sour taste in my mouth from the get-go, only to be greeted on the next page by an introduction to the book by yet another person who was not Lewis. "Great," I thought, "another person who is going to downplay Biblical truth and put down Lewis' experience versus their own, in a time and place that is neither appropriate nor wanted". How happy I was to find that I was completely wrong! The introduction is written by Douglas Gresham, one of Lewis’ step-sons. He is incredibly well-spoken (written?) and his introduction adds a bit of clarity and perspective for what you are about to read. His introduction to the book makes me think that Mr. Gresham should have followed in the footsteps of his mother and step-father in writing books. He very obviously had a God-given gift with his words. Finally, I got to the actual book itself. I won’t write much about it specifically here, but wow, what a book. The chapters are written at very different times after his wife’s death, and Lewis argues with his past writings quite often. You can see what stages of grief he was going through and working through in the writings. It drove me to tears quite a few times. Though I’ve never experienced the loss of a wife, I have lost those close to me and I could understand many of his thoughts. All in all, this is a fantastic book with terrible intro from an unrelated person. My review is for this specific version of the book, since I thought the introduction was awful. If it was removed, the book would get 5 out of 5 stars from me any day. For those of you who might think about buying this version, my suggestion would be to simply skip the foreword.

Good book

Es un libro interesante sobre la palabra Dios cuando perdemos alguien en nuestra vida. Lo dimos de regalo a una amiga.

Je souhaite lire tous ses œuvres. T t t t t t t t t t t t t t

I was first signposted to this book nearly 18 years ago by a bereavement counsellor Maxine - who helped more than she knew or I ever told her! At the time I really couldn't see my way out of almost stifling grief - but she gave me a copy of this book and suggested I read it - and pop a yellow sticky in the pages that most resonated with me. A month or so on she suggested I re-read it and do the yellow sticky thing again - and already I could see I was moving on - if only through the stages of grief at that time. I hadn't believed it possible. Several readings later - loads more yellow stickies - and months passed - and I finally understood what she'd been hoping for. As hard as it seems - and as hard as it is to see - we do all move from where we started. I found some of the book - especially the more religious bits hard going - and skipped over them - whilst appreciating even at the time that they might bring some comfort to others. CS Lewis - wrote this book after the death of his love - portrayed in the film 'Shadowlands' - and despite being a rather restrained individual and theology boffin - went on to care for her son and from there we get the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe series - which made many kids like me really enjoy books. I still have that original copy with all of the yellow stickies - and treasure it always as it tells my journey back to the land of the living far better than I could! I've also bought copies for and passed on the yellow sticky advice on a very few appropriate occasions in the last 18 years. It has always helped. A truly great book - inspirational and untold help. If you ever find yourself in need of such a prop - well worth buying - and whilst the paper version and the yellow stickies - tried and tested - bookmarks or notes on kindle probably do the same thing. I've just looked it out again on the recent death of a close friend's husband - and will be passing on a copy again.

I have it as a gift to a friends who lost his father, I haven’t read it myself so can’t give detailed review. I received the book in time and was in a good state

I bought this book after my mother died. I needed something to occupy my mind. No one else - no relative, no friend (most of them too afraid to talk about my loss anyways) managed to put grief into words as well as C.S.Lewis managed to do in this book. His words are balm for broken hearts. His observations about his own grief calmed me down and helped me cope. At first I was afraid he would put too much weight on a Christian god and/or afterlife - since C.S.Lewis was a Christian apologist himself after a bout of atheism in his youth and many books about grief do (which is oh, so silly!) - but my fears were unfounded. I as a person that is 80% atheist and 20% agnostic felt understood.