The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

Marriage is clearly a troubled institution in American culture, and that includes even among American Christians. The problem is that so often Christians have accepted the world's definitions of marriage. While many Christian books have been written on marriage, Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" is one of the best. What makes "The Meaning of Marriage" so excellent? At least four things. First, Keller gives a vision for marriage. His main reason for writing the book, in fact, was to give both Christians and non-Christians a vision for marriage. What is Keller's vision for marriage? Keller writes, concerning the meaning of marriage, that "It is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us." More than this, Keller (in Chapter 6) relates marriage not only to "the dance of the Trinity" but also to Christ's love of the stranger (Chapter 5). The second reason "The Meaning of Marriage" is so excellent is that Keller bases his views on the Bible. Time and again, instead of turning to what the world teaches about marriage, Keller returns to the Bible, especially Ephesians 5. While Keller begins with the Bible, he does more than just quote Scripture: he unlocks its meaning and applies it to our lives. This is what makes his teaching on writing so profound and powerful. While he doesn't cover every possible topic, he does give a theological vision for marriage that will change your marriage for the better or better prepare you for marriage in the future. Third, in presenting a biblical view of marriage, Keller directly challenges the worldly views of marriage, including many that have infected the Church. Among the most popular of these myths is that we should be looking for our "soul mate," in the sense of finding someone we're presently in love with. This view minimizes the importance of the hard work that goes into marital love. Keller also rightly rebukes the idea that we should not go into marriage expecting to change the other person. To the contrary, marriage is precisely for the purpose of sanctifying one another, and Keller demonstrates some of the many reasons why marriage is such a powerful means of sanctification for Christian spouses. Keller takes on many other myths as well, for example, the idea that marriage is primarily for self-fulfillment, instead of mutual sanctification and becoming one with another. Fourth, "The Meaning of Marriage" is both readable and practical. Keller's ideas are rooted in theology but are written in a very readable prose. Most importantly, his book is eminently practical. While it's not a "How To" manual and doesn't give you every detail, he does amply illustrate and explain his major ideas on marriage. So practical is "The Meaning of Marriage" that it's applicable not only to Christian spouses but also non-Christian spouses and Christian singles. He has, for example, a chapter on a theology of singleness (Chapter 7). There are many profound insights in the book. There was little that was new to me as a priest and as a husband who has worked every day on his marriage for 18 years. But there were still many revelations and "Aha!" moments that reminded me of what it was all about and encouraged me to love my wife to an even greater degree. As I'm writing this, she's out of town on a business trip (which she never takes). I can't wait for her to return so that I can begin immediately putting into practice some of the things Keller has taught me. Here are some of his best insights: 1. You never marry the right person. No 2 people are compatible. For this reason, marriage takes a lot of love and work. Also, marriage profoundly changes us! 2. Two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married. Keller uses this to demonstrate the power of making and keeping a vow. Promising is the key to identity and is the very essence of marital love. 3. Actions of love lead to feelings of love. 4. Marriage is a friendship, and friendship must have constancy, transparency, and a common passion, which, for Christians, should especially be Christ. 5. Each spouse should see the great thing that Jesus is doing in the life of their mate through the Word. And each spouse should then give himself of herself to be a vehicle for this work of God. 6. Your spouse IS the "someone better" you're looking for! This is true if you see him or her in terms of the glory God intends for them, a work to which you are called. There's much, much, more, and each chapter holds its delights and wisdom for the reader. I highly recommend both "The Meaning of Marriage," as well as "The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason! Keller presents his teaching on marriage, based on a sermon series of his, in the following chapters: 1. The Secret of Marriage - how marriage and the gospel relate 2. The Power for Marriage - submitting to one another out of love 3. The Essence of Marriage - covenantal commitment 4. The Mission of Marriage - marriage and mutual sanctification 5. Loving the Stranger - the power of love (all 4 kinds) 6. Embracing the Other - man and wife as one flesh; the Trinity as a model for marriage 7. Singleness and Marriage 8. Sex and Marriage Epilogue and Appendix (Decision Making and Gender Roles)

It must be intimidating to write a book on marriage. Store shelves are groaning under the weight of titles that claim to have the key to a happy marriage, or a biblical marriage or a gospel-centered marriage. To rise above such a crowded field a book needs to offer something different, something unique, something that distinguishes it from the pack. Tim and Kathy Keller have jumped into the fray with their new book The Meaning of Marriage and the distinguishing feature of their book is a deep gospel-centeredness. This leads the Kellers to invite the reader deep into the gospel of Jesus Christ and also compels them to show how the gospel extends to every part of marriage. Though The Meaning of Marriage is written primarily by Tim Keller, his wife Kathy contributes in several ways, and most notably by contributing one of the chapters and by being the wife to whom Tim has been married for almost four decades. Tim explains that the book has three deep roots. The first of these is his marriage to Kathy, the second is his long pastoral ministry, particularly in New York City in a church dominated by singles, and the third and most foundational is the biblical teaching on marriage as found in both the Old and New Testaments. "Nearly four decades ago, as theological students, Kathy and I studied the Biblical teachings on sex, gender, and marriage. Over the next fifteen years, we worked them out in our own marriage. Then, over the last twenty-two years, we have used what we learned from both Scripture and experience to guide, encourage, counsel, and instruct young urban adults with regard to sex and marriage." They speak from the powerful combination of Scriptural grounding and real-world experience. The book is comprised of eight chapters that flow logically from the biblical basis for marriage all the way to the sexual relationship within marriage. In chapter 1 they offer the very basic biblical teachings on marriage, showing how marriage is God's idea and that it is meant to reflect the saving love of God for us in Jesus Christ. In chapter 2 they show how the work of the Holy Spirit is fundamental to battling the main enemy of marriage: sinful self-centeredness. Chapter 3 is about love, looking at how the feeling of love relates (or doesn't relate) to actions of love. Chapter 4, "The Mission of Marriage," turns to the purpose of marriage and offers a long discussion of spiritual friendship while chapter 5, "Loving the Stranger," teaches three skills that every husband and wife ought to pursue. Chapter 6, written by Kathy, celebrates the differences between the sexes, looking to the tricky subject of gender roles and complementarity. Singleness and wise thinking about pursuing marriage are the subjects of chapter 7 and the final chapter looks to the sexual relationship, showing why the Bible roots sex in marriage and how this relationship can best be celebrated within marriage. Gospel, Gospel and More Gospel I said from the outset that the distinguishing feature of this book is its deep dependence on the gospel. This distinguishing feature is also the book's greatest strength. Marriage simply cannot be properly understood or practiced without being rooted in the gospel. "If God had the gospel of Jesus's salvation in mind when he established marriage, then marriage only `works' to the degree that it approximates the pattern of God's self-giving love in Christ." For that reason the book goes nowhere until Keller has first exposited Ephesians 5 where we are told that marriage is a "profound mystery," that reflects the relationship of Christ and the church. Next to our relationship with God, there is no relationship more important than marriage, "and that is why, like knowing God himself, coming to know and love your spouse is difficult and painful yet rewarding and wondrous. The most painful, the most wonderful--this is the Biblical understanding of marriage, and there has never been a more important time to lift it up and give it prominence in our culture." When Keller moves to "The Power For Marriage," the subject of chapter 2, he again builds from the gospel. Jesus Christ did not leave us on our own, but provided the Holy Spirit as the power to fight against and overcome sin. "The Holy Spirit's task is to unfold the meaning of Jesus's person and work to believers in such a way that the glory of it--its infinite importance and beauty--is brought home to the mind and heart." And when it is brought home to the mind and heart, it works itself out in marriage. This counters the self-centeredness that is intrinsic to our sinful natures. "To have a marriage that sings requires a Spirit-created ability to serve, to take yourself out of your own. The Spirit's work of making the gospel real to the heart weakens the self-centeredness of the soul. ... The deep happiness that marriage can bring, then, lies on the far side of sacrificial service in the power of the Spirit." This gospel focus continues chapter-after-chapter, underlying discussions of friendship, singleness, sex, and complementary roles. Covenant Renewal The chapter on sex merits special mention for its power and careful attention to dignity. Keller begins by showing why it is so important that sex remains within the context of marriage. Only then does he turn to the actual ways that a husband and wife relate within the sexual relationship. Setting the sexual relationship within the greater context of the marriage covenant, Keller says that sex is a kind of covenant renewal ceremony in which you "rekindle the heart and renew the commitment" already made. "There must be an opportunity to recall all that the other person means to you and to give yourself anew. Sex between a husband and a wife is the unique way to do that." He goes on to say, "Sex is God's appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, `I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you.' You must not use sex to say anything less." Only a few pages are given to "The Importance of Erotic Love in Marriage" but they are instructive. They focus less on deeds than on the motives of the gospel-centered heart. "The Christian teaching is that sex is primarily a way to know God and build community, and, if you use it for those things rather than for your own personal satisfaction, it will lead to greater fulfillment than you can imagine." I dare say that by the time you've read this final chapter, you will want to run to your spouse and make love just to experience all the joy and fulfillment that the sexual relationship brings. It won't be about trying this or attempting that--not primarily--but just enjoying the beauty of what God has given us in the gifts of marriage and love-making. A component of the book that merits special attention is its usefulness to singles. Keller's church is comprised predominantly of singles and anything he teaches must be applicable to them. This leads him to focus a significant portion of this book on being single and on pursuing marriage. What he teaches will be encouraging and helpful to those who have chosen a life of singleness and for those who are seeking a spouse. Conclusion This is a powerful book; it is my new favorite book on marriage and the best of all the books I read in 2011. The Meaning of Marriage elevates marriage, making it something beautiful and holy and lovely. And with it comes friendship and companionship and sex and everything else God has packaged into the marriage relationship. This book celebrates it all and it does it within the greatest context of all--the gospel of Jesus Christ. Having read the book through two times, I've found myself wondering how to best measure or evaluate it, but perhaps these criteria are useful: Would I want to read it with my wife or would I encourage her to read it on her own? Would I recommend it to the people in my church? In both cases the answer is an unreserved yes. In fact, I bought the audio book and listened to it with my wife and her assessment is the same as mine: Though there are many great books on marriage, this is the one we will recommend first.

What do I think of Tim and Kathy Keller's book published by Riverhead? Let's plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out. This is the second Tim Keller book I've read and like the first one, I loved it and I hated it. I loved it because it's just packed with excellent information and wisdom to help one be a good spouse and learn to appreciate marriage all the better. I hated it because in the midst of all of this, the Kellers smack you right between the eyes with what they've written so you have to take a good long look in the mirror and come to the conclusion that there are ways that you don't shape up as the spouse that you are to be. Tim Keller is the pastor of a church with thousands of people in New York and the overwhelming majority of those people are single, quite the rarity. Despite that, this book is based on a sermon series he did on marriage. Sermons on marriage are not just for married people. They need to be there for singles as well. Why? Because many of those singles just might want to get married someday and they need to learn to honor marriage the way God intended. If they don't, they still need to honor marriage, such as avoiding having sex with other people, because they will be interacting with married people and even if you are not married, you can still work to build up the institution of marriage. At the start, the Kellers want to dismiss with the idea of a Hallmark card. Marriage is usually treated like a fairy tale where you live your life feeling constant love for the other person. However, if this was what marriage was meant to be, then very few marriages would last. In fact, it could be the reason that many marriages do not last is because there are too many people who expect this. C.S. Lewis once wrote that the feeling of being in love is the explosion that gets the relationship started, but after awhile, it has to learn to rely on a deeper love that does not depend on the feelings. The Kellers also give a history of marriage and show how in the Enlightenment, marriage came to be about fulfilling your own needs and not so much about self-denial. It came about fulfilling yourself as a person emotionally and sexually. Each person was entering more often for what the marriage would do for them and not what it would do for the other person. What a shock then that we wind up in a scenario where if the other person is not meeting our needs, well we just walk right out the door. Unfortunately, when we do this, we don't realize that many of the problems from the marriage we still take with us and we just bring them into our next relationship, and then we probably bring even more since we're trying to recover from a past relationship. Tim Keller says that as a pastor, he points out to people that love is hard. Most anything that you want to do well, it requires sacrifice and effort. Look at the star athlete in any field. Could they have been born with some natural talent? Absolutely. Yet despite that natural talent, they had to work hard to do what they are doing today. We could in fact argue that love is very hard because it does go against our natural inclinations. Our natural mode of operation is to look to ourselves and take care of our own needs. Marriage calls you out of that to look to the needs of someone else. The Kellers contend through their work that marriage is a picture of the Gospel. Of course, you can have a good marriage without knowing the Gospel, but if you know the Gospel well, it will improve your marriage. This is why they say that marriage is painful and wonderful. So is the Gospel. We can all appreciate good news about redemption in Christ and forgiveness, but with that good news comes the message that you are a human being who is not perfect and you are guilty of great wrong and need to seek forgiveness for your sins. We don't like being told we're sinners, and frankly, marriage has a great way of showing you the many things that you are doing wrong. I often tell guys that when you get married, it's like God putting a big mirror in front of you and saying "Hey! This is what you're really like! Do you like what you see?!" The Kellers point out that at the heart of many divorces is a self-centeredness. You can see this because many times when someone divorces, they will often rail about what a jerk the other person was. Very rarely will they talk about all the things that they did wrong. (This is not to say there are no valid divorces. Sadly, there are.) This is of course our natural tendency. None of us really likes to look in the mirror and see who we are, but I often tell people who are married that the rule I apply in our marriage is when something goes wrong, I try my hardest to first look at myself and see if I did anything wrong. I'd like to say I always succeed at doing this, but I don't. Ironically, if we put the needs of our spouse first and seek their happiness, we can more often find our own happiness. The reality is many of us know this. A wife who provides a good romantic evening for her husband can enjoy the sexual act itself. Yet despite this, the greater joy she will often get out of it is knowing that her husband is going to bed that evening a happy man. (And yes ladies, we will go to bed happy men!) A husband will not normally enjoy spending money, but when he buys his wife some flowers, the great joy that he gets is not from spending the money, but from the joy that he brings his wife. We all know this! Why aren't we living it more? The Kellers then go on to speak about the people who ask why a piece of paper should matter so much. Keller says that if you say "I love you, but let's not ruin it by getting married", it's a way of saying "I don't love you enough to close off all my options. I don't love you enough to give myself to you that thoroughly." Getting that piece of paper is a public declaration with solid evidence that there is no one else and that all other doors are closed. Yes. The piece of paper does mean something. (Also, the Kellers are strongly against any idea of living together before marriage as that also increases your odds of divorce.) Keller also talks here about our idea of passion and uses sex as an example. He writes that if you only have sex when you feel a time of great passion, then you will rarely do it and there will be fewer times of great passion as your spouse feels deprived. Why should they try to ask you for sex if they're quite sure they will get a no answer? I happen to agree with those who say that many times someone should have sex even when they don't feel like it. Once again, this is not about your needs. This is about the needs of your spouse. William Lane Craig has emphasized this as well. There's also the emphasis on what it means to honor your spouse. Breaking faith with your spouse means breaking it with God. It's a shame that many couples enter the covenant of marriage and before a year is done, they're looking to get out. When you got married, if it was in a church, you made vows to God and you made vows to man and you made vows to each other. Does that not mean anything to you? Those vows, the Kellers point out, are not just a vow of how you feel today, but they are meant to be vows that you will in fact keep loving your spouse in the future as well. The Kellers also want us to know that in marriage, our goal is to shape the other person to be all that Christ wants them to be. We don't just love them as they are. We love them as we see them becoming. We love to see what Christ is doing in them. You must be committed to your spouse's holiness. As you do this, you will experience romance, sex, laughter, and fun, but those are not the cause of the great marriage. They are the result of it. The more that you are getting from your relationship with Christ and becoming like Him, the more also you will be able to impart that to your own family. Aside from Christ, your marriage must be first. If your spouse does not think they are being put first, then you are not putting them first. That sounds hard, but it's the truth. What would it mean if you have to convince your spouse that you are their first love? It would mean that you have done something to them to demonstrate to them that you are indeed not their first love. There has been someone or something else invited into the marriage and the person who feels rejected is just drifting into the background. You will not be able to have a great marriage if this is going on. The Kellers also write about loving the other, and this in two chapters with Tim writing one first and his wife writing one on being a wife in the relationship. Tim writes about the power to transform, pointing out that he never really felt manly until he married. This is something I can relate to. I never did either, but now that I have a wife, I can fully delight in the masculinity that I do possess. This is also another reason why the sexual component means so much. It is the loudest way that a wife can scream to her husband "You are my man." The rest of the world may look at me and see nothing special, but if Allie is looking at me and saying I am her man and her rock and the one she turns to, then I'm ready to conquer the world at that point. Keller also writes to never withhold the primary love language. This goes both ways. A wife should not use sex as a weapon, such as punishing her husband by withholding herself when she doesn't get her way. On the other hand, the husbands can often be quite guilty of this when they give the silent treatment. The Kellers also have a chapter on the single life and marriage. It's important to realize that if you are single, you are not looking for another Jesus. Your spouse is not supposed to be your savior. That is expecting too much of them. It is tempting to put your spouse in the place of God, but that is a recipe for disaster. Your spouse will not solve all the problems in your life. In fact, your spouse will quite often cause all new problems in your life. The last chapter is on sex, and I think this is the way to go. OF course, this is the chapter most of us men want to skip ahead to, but we need to know all about marriage before we get to one of the greatest fruits of marriage. The Kellers write that sex is a covenant making activity. There's a reason why in the bedroom, you will often get the greatest cries of love and passion. It is a passionate time and each person is practically under a spell. Earlier in the book, the Kellers write that it doesn't necessarily start out this way. The Kellers write they were virgins when they married and the first time was frustrating, but like any other skill, it improves over the years. One of the greatest ways to improve it is to focus not on your happiness but on that of your spouse. Don't try to perform. Just love one another. If you love one another, then there will definitely be times in enjoying that sex that you will indeed rock each other's world. Finally, sex is enjoyable not because it just includes awesome and incredible physical sensations, but because it reflects to the Trinity and the delight that our soul will have before God. Sex is often the closest we get to a moment of true ecstasy and an out-of-body experience in this life. (Is it any wonder some have even said that sex could be used as a proof that God exists?) In conclusion, I highly recommend this book by the Kellers. I suspect I will be going through it again sometime, this time with my wife. In Christ, Nick Peters

Tim Keller is the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, New York since he planted it in 1989, and the church reflects the city's demographics: approximately 80% of the people (in a church of several thousand) are single. So Keller has a lot of experience in teaching, counseling and shepherding singles in particular. This book had its roots in the early 1990's when he did a series of sermons on marriage because of the skepticism, fear, and arguments that many of the singles in attendance had toward marriage in the beginning stages of the church - and still do today. He also wrote this book to share from his own experiences with his wife Kathy of 37 years and counting. However, most importantly he wrote this book to give a compelling vision of what marriage was designed to look like from the Bible from Genesis to Revelation - from the first marriage of Adam and Eve to the last marriage of Christ and the Church. Keller states in the introduction, "its [the books] primary goal is to give both married and unmarried people a vision for what marriage is according to the Bible." I believe that Keller succeeds in giving a very compelling case for marriage from the three stands above - from his experience, his realistic apologetic of building a case for the benefits and values of marriage, and then giving a compelling biblical vision throughout the book for the beauty of marriage when it reflects the glory of Christ at the center of it all. He does not minimize the difficulties, or the effort and hard work involved in a marriage, but is clear-headed, and cogently eloquent in presenting the "complexities of commitment with the wisdom of God." Here is a sample of an excellent example he gives for submitting to the Bible as God's manual for marriage: "Think of buying a car: If you purchase a vehicle, a machine well beyond your own ability to create, you will certainly take up the owner's manual and abide by what the designer says the car needs by way of treatment and maintenance. To ignore it would be to court disaster...Plenty of people who do not acknowledge God or the Bible, yet who are experiencing happy marriages, are largely abiding by God's intentions, whether they realize it or not. But it is far better if we are conscious of those intentions. And the place to discover them is in the writings of the Scripture." Some of the ambivalent views and objections to marriage Keller elaborates on and dispels in this book are as follows: "Marriage is just a piece of paper that only serves to complicate love" "Marriage was originally about property and is now in flux" "Marriage crushes individual identity and has been oppressive for women" "Marriage stifles passion and is ill-fitted to psychological reality" The Outline of Keller's book is as follows: Chapter One - A rich and deep discussion of Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5 bringing Paul's discussion into today's context and demonstrating "why the gospel helps us to understand marriage and how marriage helps us to understand the gospel." Chapter Two - With great skill and penetrating insight Keller shows how the sin nature resulting in selfishness necessitates the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit in making the saving work of Christ operative in bringing two hearts to beat as one. Chapter Three - He helpfully shows what biblical love is - and what covenantal commitment is all about. Chapter Four - He elaborates on the whole question of what marriage is for: "It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be...there is a kind of deeper happiness that is found on the far side of holiness." Chapter Five - He talks about the power of truth; the power of love - via affection, friendship, and service all in the context of grace. Chapter Six - An excellent discussion of the Trinitarian roles and how that translates into gender roles in a marriage. Chapter Seven - On Singleness and Marriage. Here is a sample of some guidelines he gleans for singles in relationships before marriage: "Recognize that there are seasons for not seeking marriage." "Understand the "gift of singleness.'" "Get more serious about seeking marriage as you get older." "Do not allow yourself deep emotional involvement with a non-believing person." "Feel `attraction' in the most comprehensive sense." "Don't let things get too passionate too quickly." "...don't become a faux spouse for someone who won't commit to you." "Get and submit to lots of community input." Chapter Eight - A good discussion of sex - realities and misperceptions - and the glory of it when it is practiced the way God designed it. The book closes with a short epilogue and a short, but very helpful discussion on decision-making and gender roles. All the chapters are very well written, have depth and penetrating insight, are logical and clear, balanced in dealing with the "then" and "now" of how the Scriptures apply and always pointing to Jesus at the center of the meaning of life and marriage. Dr. Keller knows what he's talking about and has done an outstanding job of building a great case for marriage in a culture that simply doesn't understand it and hasn't been consulting the Creator's manual and applying it in our marriages. I now have a new favorite book on marriage to recommend whole-heartedly to singles and married couples alike!

I think most people get married with hopes that their spouse will be their life-long best friend. I know I did. Tim Keller is hopeful but realistic and gives practical advice to this end. This book addresses singles, soon-to-be wed, and the multiple stages of marriage. I appreciated his presentation that marriage is a rewarding work, becoming a new creation both as individuals and as a couple and his encouragement to understand that your spouse is God’s work in progress and to be part of that work. This book is one of the best I have read on Christian marriage, although Tim Keller’s wordy writing bogged me down at times. I had a few moderate concerns however. In Kathy Keller’s chapter, Embracing the Other, she names sins of hypermasculinity and hyperfemininity. She claims that a woman can be too dependent to the point of idolatry or too independent and thus reject her femininity. The Bible doesn’t present the sin of hypermasculinity or femininity. At best her approach is a poor reduction of gender. I thought there were a few other odd points in this chapter, but seeing sin where the Bible doesn’t is a noteworthy issue. My second concern was the obligation s*x message in chapter 8. Taken in the context of the whole book I think Keller has made it obvious that his challenge to both spouses is to elevate and serve, not trample and take advantage. However this is a subject that has been weaponized in marriage and the obligation instead of mutual message needs to be debunked not reinforced. If a couple is just starting out developing their s*xual personality, dealing with mismatched s*xual desires or experiencing s*xual issues in their marriage I would direct them away from this chapter. “The Gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus CHrist than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our Flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it.” Pg 44 “Within this Christian vision for marriage, here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person God is creating and to say, “I see who God is making you, and it excites me!” Pg 132 “What if, however, you began your marriage understanding its purpose as spiritual friendship for the journey to the new creation? What if you expected marriage to be about helping each other grow out of your sins and flaws into the new self God is creating? Then you will actually be expecting the “stranger” seasons, and when you come to one you will roll up your sleeves and get to work.” Pg 149

Timothy and Kathy Keller have provided the world with a biblical, pastoral, scholarly, philosophical, and theological account of marriage better than any that I have seen. I will recommend this book to married couples, engaged couples, and singles for years to come. The traditional account of marriage--the union of one man and one woman entering the bonds of a lifelong covenant relationship marked by fidelity--is by many accounts on the wane. But that does not negate the value accounts such as the Kellers' will have moving forward in to the future. The potential value of their account, which is structured according to the words of Ephesians 5, is perhaps immeasurable for those who choose to apply it, for it is Christ-centered, biblically grounded, eschatologically focused, and practically geared. And as other models of marriage fail, a biblical, Christian account of marriage like Tim and Kathy Keller's will reemerge as a viable and compelling alternative. The structure of the book itself has been noted by other reviewers, and I have noted that the book is an extended treatment of Ephesians 5. Within that exposition, Keller tells us of the secret of marriage (marriage itself points to Christ as pattern), the power for marriage (Spirit-filled Christian people are given the grace to serve and submit to one another in Christ), the essence of marriage (covenant faithfulness as bedrock, rather than sentimentality or utilitarianism), and the mission of marriage (mutual sanctification through a common commitment to Christ). We are also provided with practical wisdom on how to "love the stranger" and "embrace the other". In other words, firstly how do we establish a common spiritual friendship with our spouse, and how does that type of relationship help us in choosing our mates? And secondly, once that mate is chosen, how do we understand and apply the categories of headship and submission within the husband and wife relationship? Chapter six, which deals with headship and submission, is written by Kathy Keller. It is compelling to read--even for those that might not agree with her interpretation and application of the text. And lastly, in chapters seven and eight, the Keller's provide biblical wisdom on singleness and sex. I cannot reiterate strongly enough how excellent this book is for many different types of people--singles, married persons, and persons who are considering marriage. I will recommend it, with the only caveat being a critical and thoughtful approach to chapter six, wherein the notions of headship and submission are explained. Other articulations and expositions of those concepts exists, and it is my counsel for couples to seek other resources on marriage that are biblically and theologically grounded, revisit Ephesians 5, pray together, and talk seriously about how that couple's marriage dynamics best fit their own faithful application of that text. This does not mean that I reject the Keller's account--it simply means that I recommend discernement, prayer, careful theological examination, and biblical study. This book is an incredible resource. I recommend it.

Tim and Kathy Keller provide us a great resource for the Biblical Theology of Marriage. As a pastor of a church with a demographic of 80% single adults we find that Keller has a great opportunity and need to research and teach on the subject of marriage. His congregation obviously will be thinking about marriage and thinking about whether or not it is a cultural covenant or a Biblical covenant. Keller bases his book on a series of messages that he first gave in 1991, but he has refined those messages over the years and delivered them many times. So, with the background of 37 years of marriage and the many years of counseling others and preaching about marriage he has a profound sense of what our culture, especially our Western Evangelical Church culture, needs to hear. He has taken his messages, refined them and added pertinent data from Christian and secular sources to provide us a great book. Don't neglect to look at his bibliography and download some of the articles that he mentions in the book. Each chapter builds on the previous one. Maybe the best chapter happens to be Chapter Six, Embracing the Other. It is written by Kathy and does a great job of defining the roles of men and women (husbands and wives) in the marriage relationship based on Ephesians 5. It is nice to hear from a woman's perspective how those roles are defined and best played out in marriage. Kathy gives good insights and lots of good information that I plan to incorporate into my pre-marital counseling situations. Chapter seven deals with Singleness and is just as profound as chapter six on providing good and sometimes very new thoughts on how the Bible relates to marriage. Given the fact that Redeemer Church has 80% single adults this chapter is well researched, well written and comes with lots of experience behind it. This is a wonderful chapter. Chapter eight deals with the topic of sex and has great information. This book is a must read for any couple thinking of marriage or for any Christian Counselor who is dealing with people and their marriage issues. Finally, the best principle for me from the book was on page 168 when Keller states that the most powerful tool in any marriage partners arsenal is the gift of "Forgiveness!" That is absolutely true and something that many people forget about. If you have the ability to love your partner, forgive your partner and seek forgiveness from your partner you will succeed in marriage. Well, enough said, stop reading reviews of the book and just buy it, you won't be disappointed.

The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller This is the best book I have read on marriage, and I recommend it to anyone from singles who are thinking about dating to those whose marriages are severely strained. It developed out of sermons to Keller's church in NYC that is heavily populated by singles who are marriage skeptics. Singles may have to wait a few chapters to get to Keller's most relevant points for them, but it is worth it. There are some problematic statements that keep this book from "perfect." But a lot of gold nuggets. Like all Tim Keller books, it is thoroughly researched and rich in biblical commentary. My key takeaways: The authors, quoting Duke University professor Stanley Hauerwas: "(W)e always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is . . . learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married." As Keller reiterates: "No two people are compatible." That is the most important takeaway that I find contrary to either what most people under 40 believe today or what culture teaches. As I heard someone put it recently, "we don't just marry one person for life, we marry 30 different people with the same name." Bodies and minds change, preferences and hobbies change, nothing can be predicted. What marriage (ideally) creates is a legal and social commitment of one person to another to support one another through all of those things. This begs the question: Then whom should we marry? The Kellers give some advice, while acknowledging at the beginning of the book that they are personally friends with couples with long marriages among people who are quite different from one another culturally and in personalities. In short, they recommend considering marrying one of your good friends. He recommends finding someone that you can currently see God working in and in which you would enjoy being part of the project. "Ultimately, your marriage partner should be part of what could be called your 'mythos.' C. S. Lewis spoke of a 'secret thread' that unites every person’s favorite books, music, places, or pastimes." "Comprehensive attraction is something that you can begin to sense with people if you deliberately disable the default 'money, looks, and polish' screening mode." When can you begin to be confident you're ready for marriage with your potential spouse? "Have you been through and solved a few sharp conflicts? Have you been through a cycle of repenting and forgiving? Have each of you shown the other that you can make changes out of love for the other?" And are you in a Christian community with other married couples and singles you can learn from and can hold you accountable? Keller deals significantly and usefully with the issue of sex, as many in his congregation have cohabited and our culture strongly suggests that sexual fulfillment as a fundamental right. "One reason we can burn with seemingly uncontrollable sexual passion is because, at the moment, our hearts believe the lie that if we have a great, romantic, sexual experience, we will finally feel deeply fulfilled." "Sex is for fully committed relationships because it is a foretaste of the joy that comes from being in complete union with God through Christ...We look to sex and romance to give us what we used to get from faith in God...Only meeting Christ face-to-face will fill the emptiness in our hearts that sin created when we lost our unbroken fellowship with him." The cautions the authors list about the downsides of sex outside of marriage are both biblical and practical Sex has "power to soften your heart toward another person and make you more trusting." This makes it harder to end the relationship and ignore troubling warning signs. You may trust that a person is faithful, but outside the covenant of marriage that other person has no legal or or social obligation to you. Keller pushes back on a troubling cultural trend noted in surveys of what people want from marriage. Namely, that singles want the freedom to keep being themselves while also demanding a partner who will fulfill them sexually and intellectually without asking for any sacrifices or change. Keller notes "this is antithetical to biblical marriage." The reality is that marriage exposes our selfishness. We see our partner's selfishness and he or she sees ours. Biblical marriage is two people involved in a higher goal of helping the other be more holy. It involves two committed partners building trust while pointing out the sins and selfishness in the other and working towards greater improvement and harmony. "While it is true that some 45 percent of marriages end in divorce, by far the greatest percentage of divorces happen to those who marry before the age of eighteen, who have dropped out of high school, and who have had a baby together before marrying... if you are a reasonably well-educated person with a decent income, come from an intact family and are religious, and marry after twenty-five without having a baby first, your chances of divorce are low indeed.” "All surveys tell us that the number of married people who say they are 'very happy' in their marriages is high—about 61–62 percent—and there has been little decrease in this figure during the last decade." However, the authors make at least one incorrect interpretation of data, stating: "two-thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced." It seems to be an incomplete fragment from a survey on a particular datapoint. It cannot logically be the case that 2/3 of all people surveyed at any point of the happiness or despair in their marriage will be happy within five years no matter what, which is how the authors present this fractured datapoint. I say that as someone in a struggling marriage that got worse, not matter, over the last five years of it. In all, I give this book five stars and recommend it to anyone. Christian libraries are filled with marriage books and it seems every known pastor feels obligated to write his own take. But this one eclipses most that I have read so far, and I think Keller's experience with a more diverse and challenging audience in New York really pays off in his writing.

Highly recommended, This is the best book on marriage I've read so far. A must read to all who are married or who plan to marry one day.

Fast delivery and a book worth reading.

Great book!! a must read for both married and single people ! Real game changer!

This book is so valuable and powerful for the Christian to read. It challenges, brings conviction, change and growth. It is both very educational on marriage and has much application for the believer. I highly recommend this book for both singles and couples looking to marry and already married. You won't regret reading this book!

Great theological and practical view on marriage and human relationships in general. Using Ephesians 5 as a base text, Tim and his wife Kathy basically give an extended opening up of the passage, which reveals amazing views of God's design and purpose for marriage and it's reflection of a triune God, as well as very real, practical advice about seeking, maintaining and delighting in a marriage relationship. As I said in the review title, you will hopefully learn as much about God through this book as you will about relationship advice, so don't need to be contemplating marriage any time soon to read it. The Kellers also give great advice on what to seek in a potential spouse, showing how Christian values are very different from what our (particularly western) culture says we need to find a partner. Chapter 7 is on singleness which I found really helpful and also challenging to my own views. They make the case that Christianity is one of the few world views which holds singleness in high regard and not a lesser life. It is in the church, the family of God, that singles are able to learn and grow from time with the opposite sex, in an obviously less intense way than marriage, but nonetheless just as effectively. Also a challenge to churches to love and support singles, not making them feel, in the worst case scenario, as second class Christians.